Gloating
It is with much sadness and exhaustion that I report that we are again having night wakings. (You may recall that we had this problem earlier in the year with Tiny.) This time, Buba is the caller. He’s been stalling more at bedtime, and then also waking once or twice a night calling for T or me to come in to see him. It actually started two or three weeks ago, when both kids had fairly nasty colds. Buba was having trouble breathing, and would call us to help provide some relief. I would go in and hold him upright for a few minutes, wipe away whatever poured from his nose, and held him until his junky sounding coughing ceased. He no longer needs this assistance, but is, apparently, quite fond of having visitors in the middle of the night.
But enough, enough already! I need my rest! So I decided last night to tell him that nighttime is for sleeping and that neither T nor I would be coming to see him during the night. I knew we’d have trouble at some point, but was quite impressed at how Buba managed to scream and cry almost continuously from 12:31am-2:26am. And even more impressed at how Tiny did not make one single sound- not one cry, not one cough- during the entire screaming fit. I know it sounds awful, and it was (after one hour, T wanted to go in and stop the madness), but my hope is that the good Dr. Weissbluth is right, and this will be a step towards extinguishing the undesirable night waking behavior.
To further drive home the point of “nighttime is for sleeping”, I praised the heck out of Tiny’s great sleeping. She got stickers. She got a special snack. She got to choose what we had for lunch (Italian wedding soup was her choice). And she got a special surprise- a trip to the Hallmark store to choose a new cuddle blanket to sleep with at nap and nighttime.
Buba was not please with this arrangement. Tiny, of course, loved all the praise and attention. On the way home from the Hallmark store, she enjoyed a bit of gloating while bouncing her new cuddle in her on her knees…
Tiny (to the tune of BINGO): There was a naughty naughty boy and Buba was his name-O!, He don’t get surprise, He don’t get surprise, He don’t get surprise, And Buba was his name-O!; He be sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, Buba was his name-O!, He need sleep, sleep, sleep, He need sleep, sleep, sleep, He need sleep, sleep, sleep, and Buba was his name-O!
“Not nice!” I told her, but secretly, I’m hoping that she’s helping to drive home the message that it pays to be a good sleeper. As soon as we got home, I made up a sticker chart for Buba. If he has three days of being a good sleeper, both at nap and at nighttime (I threw in nap time to help start off successfully, since nap is never a problem), he gets to take a trip back to the Hallmark store to pick out a new cuddle blanket for himself.
Update: I started this post yesterday afternoon, but didn’t have a chance to finish it up until this evening. At this point, Buba has three stickers on his chart. Last night, he fell asleep sometime around 7:45, and I heard not a peep until about 6:15 this morning. Yay! Three sleeps down, and three more to go.
Game Over
Dealing with Tiny and Buba’s jack-in-the-box behavior at nap and bedtime for the last week or so was very frustrating and exhausting. Unlike other troubles we’ve had, this one seemed to consume me and turn me into the world’s saddest and grumpiest mommy. I was waking up unhappy and disappointed that the kids had climbed out of their cribs, and sometimes over their gated doorway, at a time of morning that we still considered time for sleeping. And even as the day continued, I couldn’t snap out of the yucky mood I was in. Maybe I was just too tired from waking up repeatedly at night to every little sound, listening hard and trying to determine if someone was out of bed and getting into something. Or maybe it was knowing that nap time wasn’t that far off and would be even worse.
T and I had discussed several options to putting an end Buba and Tiny’s game playing. But in the end, it really came down to just two: 1) empty the room as much as possible, secure the dresser and closet doors, and let what happens happen; 2) attach crib tents to the cribs. I was really, really, really against the crib tent option, although T mentioned several times that it was the easier solution of the two. I guess I just didn’t want to have to cage my children or feel judged by others who expressed that they would never go down that road with their child(ren). But the more the game playing went on, the more I realized that option two was the better solution for our family.
Our house is pretty small for a family of four. It was built as a summer cottage back in the 1930′s, and only has two closets in the entire house. Finding places to put all the things in Tiny and Buba’s room was not going to be easy. And even if we did find places to put all the books and toys (and small couch that got moved out of the living room so we could put in a climber), I was not convinced that having nothing to do would keep them in bed and get them the rest they need (they are SO not ready to stop napping). And then there was the issue of the shades. Back in March when we’d had some work done in their room, T and I decided to splurge and put in some fairly expensive cordless blackout shades (which completely paid for themselves when the kids started taking longer and better naps AND started sleeping later in the mornings). One has already been slightly damaged by little hands since the game playing began, and I was too nervous that the others would be too if the kids continued getting out of their cribs and we were no longer intervening.
So we went with option two- crib tents. A very generous mother of twins gave me a set that her kids had used for a while (yes, for free! thank you! thank you! thank you!), and we set them up on Tiny and Buba’s cribs this past Thursday night. Thankfully, both Tiny and Buba were ecstatic about the idea of sleeping in a tent. If they had fussed or cried, I know I would have cried too. They’ve been sleeping like champs ever since, and I’ve been feeling much more relaxed and happy again.
A big thanks to the readers who commented as I wrote about the latest of our sleep troubles. I really, really appreciate all the kind words and support and, most of all, lack of judgement. You guys are the best!
A Glimmer of Hope
This past week (since my last post) has been really tough. Tiny and Buba have continued to climb out of their cribs, and after the craziness of the first night, I agreed with T that we should put them back into their cribs whenever they climbed out. Unfortunately, the problem only got increasingly worse over the next five days. One or the other or both are now climbing out of their cribs at nap time, nighttime, and in the morning before their Good Nite Lite turns to a sun. I’m on guard at nap time, and T is on guard at night. In general, nap time has been much worse than nighttime. The kids spend about 45-60 minutes playing their game before they finally settle down for a nap. At night it ranges from 15-30 minutes.
We determined very early on that this jack-in-the-box behavior is just a really funny game to them. Once Tiny and Buba are out of their cribs, they mostly just get together and laugh their heads off while they roll around on the floor. It’s not about escaping the room, and it’s not about finding out what T and I are up to. It’s just a way for them to have more fun and resist sleep.
T and I have been going in with the silent return approach. If you’ve ever seen Supernanny, you’ve probably seen this approach in action. The parent goes in and, without talking, puts the child gently back in bed. This gives the child no reinforcement- positive or negative- and should end all jack-in-the-box shenanigans within 3-5 days. The problem with this approach for twins who share a room (just my opinion, of course) is that they’re getting continuous reinforcement from each other. Even if T and I aren’t speaking to them, they’re still talking and encouraging the other to “climb out yo crib!”, and they both laugh their heads off whenever T or I enter the room to put one or both back in the cribs. This makes it really, really hard to extinguish the undesirable behavior.
We’ve tried offering numerous rewards for compliance with the Stay In Bed rule (playdate at a friend’s house, new toys picked up at yard sales, special dessert treats), and have doled out some pretty negative consequences as well (canceling activities, no access to special toys for good sleepers, withholding special dessert treats) and pretty much nothing worked. T and I agree that the rewards are not working because they don’t seem capable of putting off the instant satisfaction and fun for something they’ll get hours later after they’ve slept. And the consequences don’t work because they’re so disconnected from the behavior and also take place hours after the infraction and hours before the next sleep period.
All of this has left me feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. While the kids do not resist T’s efforts at all, I could not be more abused. I’ve been hit, scratched, bit, and had my hair pulled. After T and I talked through a number of suggestions/possible solutions offered by friends and family members, I finally broke down and we ordered two crib tents. We had talked about this option months ago when Buba had first started climbing out of his crib and into Tiny’s. But neither T nor I really wanted to go this route and decided it would only be used as and absolute last resort. Sunday night was it. I placed the order, but didn’t put a rush on them, as I was hoping a few more days might make a difference. Perhaps…
Then today it occurred to me that maybe I could create a more immediate consequence by letting Tiny and Buba take a stuffed animal into their cribs (I know, we’re probably a little late on this one, but so far, it didn’t seem necessary and they’d never asked to have a toy in bed). I let them each choose one before nap time and said they could only keep their animal if they stayed in bed. Buba lasted about 10 minutes before he jumped overboard and I had to take his koala away. And then he was repeatedly out of his crib. Tiny last 46 minutes! And I really think she never would have gotten out of her crib if Buba had settled down sooner and not made his naughty behavior look like so much fun. Given the partial success of this approach, we tried again at bedtime, and this time it worked beautifully. Both kids stayed in bed and now (fingers crossed) we should be able to have a big celebration in the morning, which I hope will reinforce the staying in bed.
I know nap time and bedtime are a relatively small part of each day, but this whole situation has just been so incredibly stressful for me. I really, really, really hope the stuffed animal trick works and we won’t have to go the crib tent route. But if we just happened to get lucky tonight, and tomorrow the chaos resumes, I know the crib tents are on their way to, hopefully, save my sanity.
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p.s. Still no word from the sitter who never showed.
Trashed
Yesterday was not my best day. The babysitter I spent hours searching for, who seemed so perfect for us, didn’t show up for her first job at our house. No phone call. No email. Nothing. I really, really hope that nothing seriously wrong happened to her, but then it would mean that she’s just extremely irresponsible. I’ve tried reaching her by phone as well as email, but at this point, I’ve gotten no responses. So, I’m pretty sure we’re done with her.
It was sad. Tiny and Buba were really looking forward to her coming (they’d met her once before), and I really needed someone to watch them so I could go and check out a pre-school nearby (which I didn’t love). Fortunately, a friend down the road offered to entertain them at her house so I could keep my appointment. The kids know her and are friends with her daughter, so they went readily. I so owe her- big time!
After picking the kids up, we went out for lunch (fun), but returned home to find that our power was out (not fun). It was a rainy day (the 3rd one in a row), so the house was quite dark. Good for putting the kids down for a nap, but not good for me to accomplish the things I’d wanted to do- like laundry and blog reading and catching up on Hulu (although my lap top had power, our wireless connection was out).
And then there was bedtime. Ugh! As I’ve mentioned before, Buba and Tiny were perfect little angel sleepers from roughly 9 months to 26 months. Then Tiny started having night wakings and Buba started climbing out of his crib and into hers (they were close enough together that he could easily get into hers without ever touching the ground). But we’d managed to get both of those things under control (yes, we did end up buying Buba the monkey soother and we’ve recently moved their cribs to opposite sides of the room), and bedtime was going relatively smoothly. But not last night.
We put Tiny and Buba in their cribs around 7:20pm. Around 7:40, I heard a thud. And then another thud. And then the sound of giggling coming towards our bedroom. Yep, that’s right. They were both out of their cribs (still in their sleep sacks!) walking around the house. T and I each picked up one and put them back into their cribs with a stern advisory that that is where they were to stay. I put up the gate in their doorway to let them know they’d not be wandering around the house anymore.
Within ten minutes, they were both out of their cribs again. They stood at the gate yelling, “Mommy! Where are you Mommy Mommy?” T wanted to go right back and put them in their cribs again, but I talked him out of it (crazy? perhaps.). I knew that was just what they wanted, and that we’d be doing it for hours. So I left them in their room. I figured they’d panic when we didn’t come to put them back to bed, and they’d cry for a bit, and then I’d put them back in their cribs. And that’s exactly what happened. Although, not until an hour and a half later and after they’d completely trashed their bedroom- emptying their closet and strewing things all about the room. The mess was bad enough, but in addition, they’d gotten their hands on a full container of Vaseline and it was all over everything, including themselves. But that was the end of it. They stayed in their cribs for the rest of the night.
This morning I told them that we would be skipping our activities today. No storytime. No playdate. And I made them clean up (or help me clean up) the huge mess that they’d made. We spent the entire morning in our house, and I continued to mutter how unhappy I was as I did my best to remove Vaseline from various items and toys. They weren’t perfect angels, but considering the lack of any sort of activity, they were very well behaved.
At nap time, we reviewed the sleep rules that we’ve had in place for months: 1) stay in bed; 2) lie down; 3) go to sleep. I told them that only good sleepers would get to do fun things this afternoon, and they’d have to be good sleepers tonight if they want to go to gymnastics class tomorrow. I put them in their cribs at 1pm and within ten minutes, they were out (probably due to the loss of sleep last night).
I can only hope that things go much more smoothly tonight. It wasn’t fun to miss our activities, and I would hate to have to enforce that again. If everything goes as well tonight (and for nights to come) as it did at nap time, then the whole thing will have been worth it (the letting them trash their room, the screaming and crying, the missing activities). But if not, well then this whole situation just really, really stinks.
My Needa Monkey
It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything about our sleep issues (here and here). Basically, what happened was that the night wakings continued to the point where I was going out of my mind. Tiny was waking up every night and was waking Buba up with her screaming. Then it got to the point where she was waking up multiple times in one night, and that was when I said enough is enough. I read through Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and determined that although some night waking in toddlers is considered normal, the number of times per week that Tiny was waking was not. I firmly believe that the initial night wakings were due to bad dreams. However, I think she then figured out that if she called us in the middle of the night, we would come, and this encouraged her to continue to wake and call for us. Therefore, a plan of action was needed. We purchased a Good Nite Lite and talked about staying quiet as long as the moon was glowing (all night long). If Tiny didn’t wake up and call for Mommy or Daddy, we would continue with whatever plans we had for the following day. If Mommy had to get up in the night to answer her crying calls, all plans would be cancelled. After one cancelled playdate, the night wakings basically stopped. Tiny still occasionally wakes in the night and calls for me, but it’s very, very rare now. And when she does call for me, it is clear that she has been frightened by something. Often she’s crying while asleep, and a gentle back rub along with some reassuring words calms her down quickly. I don’t cancel plans on the days that follow those types of night wakings. If she truly needs me, she needs me. I just don’t like being played.
So we finally had the night wakings under control when Buba decided that it was time to explore getting out of his crib. (Yes, he still wears a sleep sack. That has not stopped him.) To be fair, Tiny was the one who climbed out first, but her experience terrified her, and she hasn’t even attempted to climb out since. Buba, our careful observer, picked up on her strategies and perfected them to the point where he could get out and land safely on the floor. However, he would then cry and want to be put back into his crib only to do it again and again. Then one night, I decided not to go in right away. I let him cry for a few minutes and then quickly peeked in and did a quick scan of the room. I didn’t see him in the room, so I assumed he was still in his crib, which I did not get a good look at, and was just protesting going to sleep. I waited… 5 minutes… 10 minutes… 15 minutes. Finally I figured I should go in and calm him down. To my complete surprise, he was standing on the floor at the far end of his crib, holding onto the bars and screaming his head off. Yes, he had climbed out of the crib, but he had chosen to stay in his bedroom (the door was wide open and there was no gate up) and not to pull out any books or toys. I said nothing to him. Just put him back in his crib (the crying stopped instantly) and walked out the door.
I believe we had at least a couple of nights of Buba staying in his crib until he figured out that he could climb out of his crib and directly into Tiny’s crib without ever touching the floor. Their cribs are side by side, maybe a foot or so apart on the only wall of their room that doesn’t have any windows. He seemed to think this was fantastic. Tiny, however, was not amused. More screaming. More crying. We considered a crib tent, but decided not to go that way if we didn’t have to. So instead, we introduced three sleep rules: 1) stay in bed, 2) lie down, 3) go to sleep. And if the rules were followed, Buba got to play with a set of toys (an odd bunch of small toys picked up at a yard sale) in the morning. This worked for about a week.
T and I talked about possible solutions- move Tiny’s crib to one of the walls with window and hope she won’t mess with the cordless blackout blinds, get a crib tent for Buba’s crib, do nothing and just keep dealing night by night. It might surprise you to know that we chose the last option. But here’s the thing- Buba only climbs into Tiny’s crib once. After we put him back in his crib, he’s done and will go to sleep.
It was all very puzzling to me until Thursday night. It wasn’t long after we’d said our good nights that I heard Buba scream as though his arm had just been cut off. I went back into the kids’ room to find him still in his crib, but screaming and reaching towards Tiny’s crib. I asked him what was wrong and he told me repeatedly, “My needa monkey.” I instantly knew what he meant. Tiny has a soother attached to her crib that has a monkey who swings back and forth while soft music plays. Buba has one too, but his is a fish, and he wants a monkey.
I turned the monkey on, and Buba’s crying stopped immediately. Really? That was it. I walked back to the kitchen and told T what had just happened, and we both had the same thought. Perhaps another monkey soother would keep Buba in his crib. As I thought back about all the nights I had gone in to put him back into his crib, I recalled that most of the time, he was caught either turning the soother on or standing right in front of it and watching the activity inside. Maybe the climbing out is all about getting to the monkey and turning it on, which is why he’s okay with being put back in his crib.
So on Friday, I set out in search of another monkey crib soother. I first checked multiple message boards to see if I could pick up a used one, but there weren’t any for sale in our area. Amazon.com sells one and I could get free shipping, but I decided to try Toys R Us first. They had exactly one left, but for $45, I decided to let them keep it. T said we’d place the Amazon order after the kids were in bed, but of course, last night was the first in many, many, many nights that Buba did not climb into Tiny’s crib. So who knows what’s going on? Does he need a monkey or not?
T and I decided again to go back to our do nothing plan. The monkey soother is in our Amazon.com shopping cart, but I’m no longer convinced that it would be money well spent. I suppose only time will tell.