Guest Post: Abigail Pogrebin Answers My Readers’ Questions
A few weeks ago, I posted a review of Abigail Pogrebin’s book One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular. In this post, Abigail Pogrebin answers the questions I invited readers to submit as entries to my first giveaway.
From Chantal: What about school? Stay together or be separated? My twins are boy girl and we are leaning towards together just to make things easier for us, one less teacher and one less different assignment.
I think it’s nice for twins to be together at first because it gives both a lot of confidence to have their partner nearby. (I think it emboldened me and Robin and made us take more risks). But Robin and I were in separate classes starting in second grade and I think it was crucial to developing our sense of having separate selves and strengths…We were still in the same school (until ninth grade) but it gets complicated sharing friends and teachers, and this is one place you can help them discover who they really are apart from each other. They’ll have plenty of time together when they get home each day.
From Rhonda: I have four year old monozygotic twins. Everyone has always told us to make sure they have their own belongings, but we really struggle with this. Not because we don’t want to get them their own things, but because they don’t acknowledge or accept that they don’t own everything together. We never color coded them or their belongings. I never wanted them to feel like a certain color was off limits to them. I thought it would be easier once they picked favorite colors which they did around age 3. We buy things in those colors, but often we hear, “want to switch” on a daily basis as they trade their items back and forth. I can only think of 1/2 a dozen items in our entire house that they claim as their own. In fact, it took us the better part of a year to make them understand that they couldn’t trade toothbrushes every other night and we still occasionally hear the sad, “I wish we could switch” at toothbrushing time. They are incredibly generous with each other and their playmates. I’d hate to quash that generosity in the name of teaching individuality. Any opinions?
I think this impulse to share is wonderful – it shows they’re wired for symbiosis and generosity, that they care more about each other than ownership. At the same time, I do think it’s important that they get to see that not everything is theirs together, that at least you –their parents– see certain items (and even certain friends) – as belonging to one or the other twin, because ultimately they’re going to begin to forge a sense of being separate and solitary in the world, and that shouldn’t come as a sudden surprise but a gradual recognition of selfhood and distinction. One sign of individuality is separate property: it was a major sign for me when I finally had my own room at 14. It changed my sense of self.
From Anita: I have nearly 9 yr old fraternal boys. They are very different children, but *insist* on doing the same activities. Although it’s obviously easier on me driving to one location, I would really love for them to choose a different activity to encourage their individuality. I have suggested several options, but they continue wanting to do “basketball together” or “baseball together” etc. Any suggestions?
It’s a good question and it goes to the same conundrum I hear over and over again: the twins themselves want to stay together or the twins want to share everything they own and do – why should we forcibly or artificially insist on separate activities, friendships or pursuits when they prefer to be together? Because it’s good for them. Because you can see farther ahead than they can, and you know they’ll ultimately be better for the individuality. Because what feels artificial now will feel healthy later when you watch them go their own ways and firm up their own interests. What my two-plus years of research showed me is this: parents do have to force a separation – not always but sometimes, even if it feels counterintuitive, even if it’s more work, even if it seems to go against the twin grain. In the end, the parents are doing them a huge disservice by giving into their preference now to always be in tandem. They need to discover what it’s like to be in the world separately. To develop their skills and talents separately. So yes, even though it’s more schlepping, if it’s at all possible to give your boys different sports classes or teams, that would be preferable. If you can’t manage that, then make sure there are things they do on their own. Believe me, you won’t regret that for a moment in their later years when you observe that they really know who they are and what they’re capable of –not always in comparison to their twin, not measured against their twin, not judged as a set or a pair but in their own right.
For more information about Abigail Pogrebin and/or her newest book One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular, check out her website and blog. You can also email her directly to ask additional questions.
Review and Giveaway: One and the Same
Two weeks ago, I received an email from Abigail Pogrebin, an identical twin and author of the book One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular. Her email encouraged me to check out her book (just published this past October) and asked that I consider mentioning the book to my readers. At first, I wasn’t sure I’d have the time to take on another book (knowing that I’ve still yet to finish a book on time for my monthly book club meetings). But after poking around a bit (here, here, and here), I became so intrigued that I knew I had to get my hands on a copy of her book.
One and the Same tells the story of Abigail’s life with identical twin sister Robin and how their twinship changed as they grew older. But it’s not just a story about the Pogrebin twins. Stories from many sets of identical twins and other experts (doctors, researchers, authors- some of them twins themselves) are woven in throughout each chapter, allowing the reader a most complete depiction of what twins experience throughout their lives. From these stories, I learned how amazingly safe and secure one can feel with a twin by his/her side, as well as how difficult it can be to constantly feel the need to match and represent the one who shares your same image. But what blew me away were the stories that shared such honest emotions regarding how it felt when the twins separated and began to individuate on their own.
While the story is focused on twinship between identicals, I couldn’t help but notice similarities between the personal stories shared and the interactions I observe daily between Tiny and Buba. I can see how Tiny and Buba cherish their special relationship, but also how they are beginning to individuate already. And while I’ve been able to see for a while that it is difficult for Tiny when Buba wants some time away from her, I can now begin to understand why it is difficult for her and what she might be feeling.
I have no idea how Abigail Pogrebin came across my little mommy blog, but I am so happy and thankful that she did. It was exactly the kind of resource I needed to begin to understand how my twins may see themselves, as well as what I can do as a parent to help them develop as individuals.
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Enter my first giveaway to win a copy of One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular for yourself! There are four ways that you can earn an entry for this giveaway:
1. Leave a comment on this post.
2. Write a question for the author (who will actually answer questions in a guest post here next week) in the comment section of this post. Ask anything you’d like to know about being a twin or parenting twins.
3. Write a post on your blog, linking to this giveaway post. Then leave another comment on this post telling me that you did.
4. Tweet about this giveaway and/or post about this giveaway on Facebook. Then post your tweet and/or Facebook post in the comment section here (one additional comment/entry for each).
All comments must be left on this post to be eligible to win a copy of One and the Same. All entries must be posted by 9pm (Eastern Stanard Time) on Tuesday, March 16th. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Full Disclosure: While I was contacted by Abigail Pogrebin and asked to share my opinions of her book with my readers, I was in no way compensated for this post. (I did not even get a free copy of the book).