Transitions in Progress
In just a few days, Buba and Tiny will be 3 years and 8 months old. They’re hardly babies anymore, and really haven’t been for quite some time. But they’re still sleeping in cribs. Cribs with crib tents, to be more specific. T and I have talked about when and how we’ll transition the kids to big kid beds numerous times in the last 8 months, but we’ve never felt confident that we’re all ready for that change.
Both Tiny and Buba have also talked a lot about big kid beds in the last few months. They talk about who has them and who doesn’t. They put couch pillows on the floor and play the I’m-sleeping-in-a-big-kid-bed game. And Tiny has asked many, many times, “When will I get my big kid bed?” Some days I feel so guilty lifting my big, 3.5 year olds into their cribs at nap and nighttime. So what’s the deal? Why haven’t we done it already?
I think fear has had a major role in our decision to keep the kids in their cribs. Fear that our kids will act like crazies again, and that we’ll lose the finality of bedtime that we love so much. When you put a kid into a crib with a tent and zip them in, they really have no choice but to stay there and go to sleep. Tiny and Buba don’t usually fall asleep instantly, but it’s great to know that they’re not going anywhere and not getting into anything. We’ve heard so many stories about parents transitioning their kids from cribs to beds, only to then have to deal with their kids playing around in their rooms when they should be going to sleep or wandering into the parents’ bedroom (and often their bed) in the middle of the night. And while T and I hope that our sleep routines would prevent Buba and Tiny from doing these things, we have not yet been willing to give it a try and just see what happens. The fact that they share a room (and we have no options for splitting them up) plays a big role as well. I’m about 90% sure that if they had their own rooms, we’d have transitioned Tiny and Buba into beds by now.
But even with all of those fears, I’ve recently been more convinced that Buba and Tiny truly are ready to make the transition. For one, they haven’t really been napping consistently. And even when they do nap, it often not until around 2:30pm and then only for 30-45 minutes. The late nap often means they’re not falling asleep until 8:30 or later at night, leading me to believe that they probably don’t really need the nap as much as I want them to (the down time is just so nice). So, I’ve been thinking about starting quiet time at our house, which will take the place of naptime and, hopefully, return us to an earlier bedtime. In turn, I’m thinking that kids who are actually tired at bedtime are less likely to play around when it’s time to go to sleep. In theory, it should all work out well for us, right?
Well, this week we’ve had the opportunity to try it out and see how it would go. At Grammy and Grandpa’s house, there is a room with two twin beds. When we arrive here on Sunday, we brought only a few things, assuming the power would be out for just a few hours. So when naptime rolled around and our power still had not been restored, we put the kids down to sleep in the two twin beds and just waited to see what happened. It wasn’t great. Tiny and Buba (especially Buba) fooled around a lot and slept very little to not at all. But our whole world didn’t fall apart. And when bedtime rolled around, they were good and tired, and we had no trouble at all after turning the lights out. This has been the case for both nap and bedtime for the last three days.
So, it appears that our time to transition Tiny and Buba into big kid beds at home has finally come. I’m still a little nervous (there’s a lot more for them to get into in their bedroom at home than there is in the spare bedroom at Grammy’s), but I know that whatever bumps their may be as we work through this transition, we’ll be okay. The kids are definitely excited about this change, and I think T and I may finally be ready too.
Game Over
Dealing with Tiny and Buba’s jack-in-the-box behavior at nap and bedtime for the last week or so was very frustrating and exhausting. Unlike other troubles we’ve had, this one seemed to consume me and turn me into the world’s saddest and grumpiest mommy. I was waking up unhappy and disappointed that the kids had climbed out of their cribs, and sometimes over their gated doorway, at a time of morning that we still considered time for sleeping. And even as the day continued, I couldn’t snap out of the yucky mood I was in. Maybe I was just too tired from waking up repeatedly at night to every little sound, listening hard and trying to determine if someone was out of bed and getting into something. Or maybe it was knowing that nap time wasn’t that far off and would be even worse.
T and I had discussed several options to putting an end Buba and Tiny’s game playing. But in the end, it really came down to just two: 1) empty the room as much as possible, secure the dresser and closet doors, and let what happens happen; 2) attach crib tents to the cribs. I was really, really, really against the crib tent option, although T mentioned several times that it was the easier solution of the two. I guess I just didn’t want to have to cage my children or feel judged by others who expressed that they would never go down that road with their child(ren). But the more the game playing went on, the more I realized that option two was the better solution for our family.
Our house is pretty small for a family of four. It was built as a summer cottage back in the 1930′s, and only has two closets in the entire house. Finding places to put all the things in Tiny and Buba’s room was not going to be easy. And even if we did find places to put all the books and toys (and small couch that got moved out of the living room so we could put in a climber), I was not convinced that having nothing to do would keep them in bed and get them the rest they need (they are SO not ready to stop napping). And then there was the issue of the shades. Back in March when we’d had some work done in their room, T and I decided to splurge and put in some fairly expensive cordless blackout shades (which completely paid for themselves when the kids started taking longer and better naps AND started sleeping later in the mornings). One has already been slightly damaged by little hands since the game playing began, and I was too nervous that the others would be too if the kids continued getting out of their cribs and we were no longer intervening.
So we went with option two- crib tents. A very generous mother of twins gave me a set that her kids had used for a while (yes, for free! thank you! thank you! thank you!), and we set them up on Tiny and Buba’s cribs this past Thursday night. Thankfully, both Tiny and Buba were ecstatic about the idea of sleeping in a tent. If they had fussed or cried, I know I would have cried too. They’ve been sleeping like champs ever since, and I’ve been feeling much more relaxed and happy again.
A big thanks to the readers who commented as I wrote about the latest of our sleep troubles. I really, really appreciate all the kind words and support and, most of all, lack of judgement. You guys are the best!
A Glimmer of Hope
This past week (since my last post) has been really tough. Tiny and Buba have continued to climb out of their cribs, and after the craziness of the first night, I agreed with T that we should put them back into their cribs whenever they climbed out. Unfortunately, the problem only got increasingly worse over the next five days. One or the other or both are now climbing out of their cribs at nap time, nighttime, and in the morning before their Good Nite Lite turns to a sun. I’m on guard at nap time, and T is on guard at night. In general, nap time has been much worse than nighttime. The kids spend about 45-60 minutes playing their game before they finally settle down for a nap. At night it ranges from 15-30 minutes.
We determined very early on that this jack-in-the-box behavior is just a really funny game to them. Once Tiny and Buba are out of their cribs, they mostly just get together and laugh their heads off while they roll around on the floor. It’s not about escaping the room, and it’s not about finding out what T and I are up to. It’s just a way for them to have more fun and resist sleep.
T and I have been going in with the silent return approach. If you’ve ever seen Supernanny, you’ve probably seen this approach in action. The parent goes in and, without talking, puts the child gently back in bed. This gives the child no reinforcement- positive or negative- and should end all jack-in-the-box shenanigans within 3-5 days. The problem with this approach for twins who share a room (just my opinion, of course) is that they’re getting continuous reinforcement from each other. Even if T and I aren’t speaking to them, they’re still talking and encouraging the other to “climb out yo crib!”, and they both laugh their heads off whenever T or I enter the room to put one or both back in the cribs. This makes it really, really hard to extinguish the undesirable behavior.
We’ve tried offering numerous rewards for compliance with the Stay In Bed rule (playdate at a friend’s house, new toys picked up at yard sales, special dessert treats), and have doled out some pretty negative consequences as well (canceling activities, no access to special toys for good sleepers, withholding special dessert treats) and pretty much nothing worked. T and I agree that the rewards are not working because they don’t seem capable of putting off the instant satisfaction and fun for something they’ll get hours later after they’ve slept. And the consequences don’t work because they’re so disconnected from the behavior and also take place hours after the infraction and hours before the next sleep period.
All of this has left me feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. While the kids do not resist T’s efforts at all, I could not be more abused. I’ve been hit, scratched, bit, and had my hair pulled. After T and I talked through a number of suggestions/possible solutions offered by friends and family members, I finally broke down and we ordered two crib tents. We had talked about this option months ago when Buba had first started climbing out of his crib and into Tiny’s. But neither T nor I really wanted to go this route and decided it would only be used as and absolute last resort. Sunday night was it. I placed the order, but didn’t put a rush on them, as I was hoping a few more days might make a difference. Perhaps…
Then today it occurred to me that maybe I could create a more immediate consequence by letting Tiny and Buba take a stuffed animal into their cribs (I know, we’re probably a little late on this one, but so far, it didn’t seem necessary and they’d never asked to have a toy in bed). I let them each choose one before nap time and said they could only keep their animal if they stayed in bed. Buba lasted about 10 minutes before he jumped overboard and I had to take his koala away. And then he was repeatedly out of his crib. Tiny last 46 minutes! And I really think she never would have gotten out of her crib if Buba had settled down sooner and not made his naughty behavior look like so much fun. Given the partial success of this approach, we tried again at bedtime, and this time it worked beautifully. Both kids stayed in bed and now (fingers crossed) we should be able to have a big celebration in the morning, which I hope will reinforce the staying in bed.
I know nap time and bedtime are a relatively small part of each day, but this whole situation has just been so incredibly stressful for me. I really, really, really hope the stuffed animal trick works and we won’t have to go the crib tent route. But if we just happened to get lucky tonight, and tomorrow the chaos resumes, I know the crib tents are on their way to, hopefully, save my sanity.
*********************************************
p.s. Still no word from the sitter who never showed.
Trashed
Yesterday was not my best day. The babysitter I spent hours searching for, who seemed so perfect for us, didn’t show up for her first job at our house. No phone call. No email. Nothing. I really, really hope that nothing seriously wrong happened to her, but then it would mean that she’s just extremely irresponsible. I’ve tried reaching her by phone as well as email, but at this point, I’ve gotten no responses. So, I’m pretty sure we’re done with her.
It was sad. Tiny and Buba were really looking forward to her coming (they’d met her once before), and I really needed someone to watch them so I could go and check out a pre-school nearby (which I didn’t love). Fortunately, a friend down the road offered to entertain them at her house so I could keep my appointment. The kids know her and are friends with her daughter, so they went readily. I so owe her- big time!
After picking the kids up, we went out for lunch (fun), but returned home to find that our power was out (not fun). It was a rainy day (the 3rd one in a row), so the house was quite dark. Good for putting the kids down for a nap, but not good for me to accomplish the things I’d wanted to do- like laundry and blog reading and catching up on Hulu (although my lap top had power, our wireless connection was out).
And then there was bedtime. Ugh! As I’ve mentioned before, Buba and Tiny were perfect little angel sleepers from roughly 9 months to 26 months. Then Tiny started having night wakings and Buba started climbing out of his crib and into hers (they were close enough together that he could easily get into hers without ever touching the ground). But we’d managed to get both of those things under control (yes, we did end up buying Buba the monkey soother and we’ve recently moved their cribs to opposite sides of the room), and bedtime was going relatively smoothly. But not last night.
We put Tiny and Buba in their cribs around 7:20pm. Around 7:40, I heard a thud. And then another thud. And then the sound of giggling coming towards our bedroom. Yep, that’s right. They were both out of their cribs (still in their sleep sacks!) walking around the house. T and I each picked up one and put them back into their cribs with a stern advisory that that is where they were to stay. I put up the gate in their doorway to let them know they’d not be wandering around the house anymore.
Within ten minutes, they were both out of their cribs again. They stood at the gate yelling, “Mommy! Where are you Mommy Mommy?” T wanted to go right back and put them in their cribs again, but I talked him out of it (crazy? perhaps.). I knew that was just what they wanted, and that we’d be doing it for hours. So I left them in their room. I figured they’d panic when we didn’t come to put them back to bed, and they’d cry for a bit, and then I’d put them back in their cribs. And that’s exactly what happened. Although, not until an hour and a half later and after they’d completely trashed their bedroom- emptying their closet and strewing things all about the room. The mess was bad enough, but in addition, they’d gotten their hands on a full container of Vaseline and it was all over everything, including themselves. But that was the end of it. They stayed in their cribs for the rest of the night.
This morning I told them that we would be skipping our activities today. No storytime. No playdate. And I made them clean up (or help me clean up) the huge mess that they’d made. We spent the entire morning in our house, and I continued to mutter how unhappy I was as I did my best to remove Vaseline from various items and toys. They weren’t perfect angels, but considering the lack of any sort of activity, they were very well behaved.
At nap time, we reviewed the sleep rules that we’ve had in place for months: 1) stay in bed; 2) lie down; 3) go to sleep. I told them that only good sleepers would get to do fun things this afternoon, and they’d have to be good sleepers tonight if they want to go to gymnastics class tomorrow. I put them in their cribs at 1pm and within ten minutes, they were out (probably due to the loss of sleep last night).
I can only hope that things go much more smoothly tonight. It wasn’t fun to miss our activities, and I would hate to have to enforce that again. If everything goes as well tonight (and for nights to come) as it did at nap time, then the whole thing will have been worth it (the letting them trash their room, the screaming and crying, the missing activities). But if not, well then this whole situation just really, really stinks.
Don’t Say Don’t
I’m sure you’ve heard this before. That those of us who live with young children should avoid saying the word don’t. Instead of saying what not to do, we should be telling our kids what they should do. So, we say things like, “hands off” instead of “don’t touch”. But do you know why this way of communication is recommended?
Last Wednesday, I went to a parenting workshop on Positive Discipline, and the presenter gave a very good reason why we should avoid the word don’t. She, like me, had always thought that it was just better, more positive, to tell a young child what he should do instead of what he shouldn’t. But then she read a study (not listed in her handouts, and I cannot remember who she cited) that concluded that young children actually don’t hear the word don’t. So when we say, “don’t touch” they hear “touch”. That being the case, it’s no wonder that they do exactly what we’ve just said not to.
Sitting in the workshop, I noted this bit of information as interesting, but didn’t think much about it until a few days later when I was coaching Buba on what to say to get Tiny to stop messing with him. It went something like this:
Me: Buba, if you don’t like what Tiny is doing you have to say, “No! No!”
Buba: No! No!
Me: Tell her, “I don’t like it!”
Buba: I like it!
Me: No, say, “I don’t like it!”
Buba: I like it!
And that’s when that bit from the workshop really clicked for me. I wish I could find that study (perhaps a Google search will turn up something), because I’m so curious to know how it was conducted and how old the subjects were. But for now, I’ve been trying to avoid the “don’t commands” as much as I can. It’s a bit harder than I thought it would be, as saying don’t seems to come more naturally, and of course, is a much faster way to say what I want to say. But I’ll keep trying, because it seems to be working a bit better.